Stop Your Stinkin' Thinkin'!

"I'm positive that none of my friends will ever speak to me again!"  Yesterday, a middle-school student tearfully made this announcement in our counseling session.  One of her dear, trusted friends had revealed my client's deepest, darkest secrets to her other friends.  And, now, she is sure everyone will hate her. 

Another student was sure her parents would divorce after an argument the night before.  A teacher wondered if a recent minor financial setback would lead her family into financial ruin.  Highly unlikely, I reasoned in each case.  It may seem like the world is ending, but it really isn't!

Thinking that a major catastrophe is likely to follow a minor disappointment or mishap is a common thinking error that psychologist refer to as "catastrophizing."  It is so common in my practice, in fact, that I specifically talk about it with most of my adolescent clients. Catastrophizing is part of a whole set of thinking errors that people often make that contribute to depression, anxiety, and other emotional problems.  This "stinkin' thinkin'" becomes the constant background dialogue in our heads that, though at first may be easily dismissed as irrational, can start to seem true if we aren't carefully examining our thoughts.

Do you ever find yourself thinking this way?  Do you make "mountains out of molehills?"  Do you often find yourself imagining the worst case scenario?   You may exaggerate the importance of some things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), while inappropriately minimizing things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or another person's imperfections).  Or maybe you see your child starting to adopt this thinking pattern, "crying over spilled milk" and panicking over small set-backs.  Are you seeing your teen become more withdrawn or anxious?  It could be because s/he is mentally maximizing or minimizing the importance of his/her current situation.

It's important to deal with your catastrophic thinking (or your child's) before it becomes a core thinking pattern.  Here are some tips:

1. You have to catch your thinking errors before you can change them.  Make an effort to question your thoughts when you start feeling depressed or anxious.  Could any of your thoughts be inaccurate catastrophizing rather than actual truth? 
2. Ask yourself, "What are other possible outcomes or explanations?" Try to consider all other possible outcomes or explanations, including those that are positive, slightly negative, or neutral.
3. Don't allow your mind to argue away the possibility of a positive alternate explanation.  Many people will tell me, "Well, yes that could be, BUT . . . "  If you catch your mind saying "but," immediately turn your mind away from that thought.
4. Make a distinction between an unpleasant situation and a catastrophe.  Sure, it may suck that you failed an exam, but it probably won't mean that you'll flunk out of school.  Ask yourself, "Could it be that this situation is just really unpleasant, but not permanent and drastic?"
5. Remind yourself, or your child, of your ability to cope. Engage in "positive self-talk" to encourage yourself that you will get through this difficult situation.  You can do it, you've done it before!  Remind yourself or your child of times you were able to overcome setbacks.  Also, remember the loving support systems that have helped you through difficult times in the past.
6. To help a child steer away from stinkin' thinkin', try these steps.
• First, try to get a child to talk about what they are thinking in a moment where you see high emotions.  When they've calmed down a bit from a crying or angry spell, ask them, "What is going through your mind right now?"  "What thoughts are popping into your head?"
• Don't judge a child's response, even if it seems silly.  Just acknowledge their feeling and listen. For example, "I'm so sorry that your friend let you down.  That really is disappointing and sad."
• Next, remind them of alternate explanations.  "Could it be that maybe one or two friends won't completely disown you?"  "Have any of your friends actually told you that they hate you now?"  "Could it be that they could be mad for just a short time?"
• If a child resists exploring alternate thoughts, remind them that they may be stinkin' thinkin.'  Give them some time to calm down a little more.  Later, say, "Let's think a little bit more about what happened earlier."
• Remind them of their ability to cope.  Remind them of times they tackled difficult situations.  Remind them of other times they imagined the worst, and ask them if the worst possibility actually happened. 
• Pray and remind them that God is with them.  Although the devil is the father of lies, a roaring lion, seeking to devour us with stinkin' thinkin', we can overcome with the help of our Father in heaven!

As I mentioned before, catastrophizing is just one example of stinkin' thinkin'.   Other common thinking errors (we psychologist call them "cognitive distortions") can be:

1. All or nothing thinking.  Seeing situations, people, or ourselves as either all good or all bad.
2. Overgeneralization.  Seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern. You can know these thoughts by the words "always," "never," or "absolutely." 
3. Mental filter. Dwelling on a single negative event or seeing the one negative factor in a situation that might have many positives as well.
4. Disqualifying the positive. Rejecting the importance of positive experiences by insisting they "don't count."
5. Jumping to conclusions.  Making a negative conclusion even if there aren't facts to support your conclusion.  Examples are mind-reading (arbitrarily assuming someone is acting negatively) or fortune-telling (assuming a negative event will happen in the future).
6. Emotional reasoning.  "I feel it, so it must be true."  Allowing your negative emotional state to guide your interpretations of a situation.
7. Should statements. Setting up arbitrary requirements for yourself or others which cause feelings of guilt and disappointment when they aren't met.
8. Personalization. Feeling responsible for situations you have no control over.

You can challenge these thoughts just as you would catastrophizing. Keep in mind that we all have errors in our thinking from time to time.  I've found that God's Word has provided us with the best advice for challenging our stinkin' thinkin'.   "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. " Philippians 4:8

Your Belly is SO _____! UPDATE!

Last week I posted some of the comments I have heard recently about my belly.  I was starting to feel beat down a bit by the constant, "Wow!  Look how big you're getting!" comments.  It doesn't help that I'm in a different building each day and I only visit each location once a week.  I guess a belly can really grow in a week!

I've decided I need to stop quietly taking offense and sulking away with hidden hurt feelings.  Instead, I am going to say something witty and informative, that might make a person think twice before they make "your belly's so big" comments to other poor pregnant momsies.  I know I have to be careful with this new strategy, as my pregnancy hormones can easily make my words a little more biting then I intend.  I don't want to seem bitter or emotional.  I just want to light-heartedly help people think of more positive comments to say to pregnant women.

So, yesterday, I started implementing my new response to negative belly comments.  My first opportunity came when a teacher looked at my belly, dropped her jaw to the floor, and said, "Wow!" Her otherwise speechlessness could easily have been translated as "Your belly is humongous."  So, I practiced my new reaction.  I gave a little chuckle, said, "Now, you know you aren't supposed to say that to a pregnant lady!" and sandwiched it with another light-hearted chuckle.  The teacher responded just as she should have. "Oh, I meant, Wow! You look beautiful!"  "Ah, thank you!," I chuckle chuckled.  That worked out nicely.

I tried it again later in the day.  When I picked Jr. up from daycare, his teacher met me with a very similar response as the teacher from earlier in the day.  "Wow! Your belly!" Jaw dropped and eyes bulged.  I gave my new response, chuckle chuckle, "Now, you know you aren't supposed to say that to a pregnant lady!" chuckle chuckle.   Her response was a little different.  She stammered and back-tracked.  "Well, I didn't see your belly at first . . .  and then I looked up . . . and there it was . .  and . . ."  That response will also work for me.  Though a little defensive, she at least seemed to get that she should have responded a little differently. 

I will continue on my one-woman quest to encourage people to think of more positive responses to growing bellies!  A pregnant belly is a sign of such a beautiful and amazing miracle!  Please join me by spreading positive words to pregnant women you know.  Speak positive words to pregnant women and when you see or hear someone rudely guffawing at a pregnant belly, counteract their negative response with some beautiful encouraging words.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11



Don't Forget Teacher Appreciation Week!

Oh, how I love good teachers! This week, May 6th- 10th is Teacher Appreciation Week. Working in schools, I know how much teachers are under-appreciated, overworked, underpaid, and stressed.  In at-risk, low-income areas, I would guess that this is even more true, as teachers constantly deal with low parent involvement (and even parents with mental health, substance abuse, and anger issues), few resources, more extreme behavior problems, and so many other barriers to teaching and learning. 

Many teachers work eight hour days with barely 10 minutes for a potty break. They can't run a quick errand during the day or enjoy a leisurely lunch.  They are responsible for a class full of children - which is often about 30 moving bodies.  So, they have to be on their toes and at their best 100% of the time. Teachers I know often don't even call in sick when they need to for fear of leaving their children without rigorous instruction for a day.  Because without rigorous instruction, those 30 kiddos might not perform tip-top on the high-stakes state assessments, which have become the ultimate measure of teacher effectiveness (and don't get me started on that topic).  And, did I say they work 8 hour days?  I lied.  Many work 10 or 12 hour days, working on lesson plans, grading papers, completing mandatory paperwork, etc.  For those reasons, and many more, I always say that I would never ever want to be a teacher.  And, God bless those masochistic souls that dedicate their lives to teaching other peoples children. They deserve at least a week of appreciation. 

Jr. and I created these little bread loaves for his teachers.  We got the free printables from How Does She.  Jr. was so excited to give them to his teachers and practice his new favorite phrase, "Thank you!" (ok, it's still right behind his forever favorite phrase, "NO!").  He ran into daycare today carrying the bag full of bread and yelled, "Thank you, Shelly! Thank you, Shelly!"  He jumped into Ms. Shelly's arms, got his morning kisses and tickles, and dismissively said, "Bye-bye, Daddy."  We feel so blessed that Jr. loves his teachers and feels loved by them.  For any working mom, this is an answer to prayer.  We struggle so much with having to leave him at daycare during the day, but God has been sweet to us by reassuring us often that his caregivers are loving and nurturing.

Today, do something nice for your child's teachers, even if it is just telling them how much you appreciate their love and hard work.  And, best of all, pray for your child's teachers today!  Pray for discernment, energy, effectiveness in teaching, patience, and love for your child. 

Thank you teachers!  Keep it up, summer is near!